Sigh, thighs! and petty body woes

Ever since that fateful summer of 4th grade when I was wearing yellow leggings at a vacation Bible school assembly, I have felt strangely about my thighs. Resting on the pew, I noticed that when I sat with my feet dangling from the floor, my thighs pressed out into two gargantuan mounds of flesh, spreading grotesquely before me. They took the shape of two matryoshka dolls, squished together with my knee knobs at the tops of their heads.
To this day, I sit at church with my toes habitually pointed downward, preventing the same awful spreading of that summer. I am also often found with a pillow on my lap.

To make matters worse, the summer of eighth grade, I had to get a bathing suit for high school gym. I picked one that purported to be "dramatically slimming" because it had attention-grabbing colors that narrowed towards the bottom. I picked it because the model on the tag had incredibly slim thighs. My adolescent brain hoped above all hopes that the neon colors on the torso of the swimsuit would somehow slenderize my lower third.
Of course, upon jumping into the high school pool, the whole bathing suit proceeded to swim around my body without me. It was made for a woman who needed the tummy-tightening that it promised, not for a borderline bony 15-year-old. That semester was the last time I publicly wore a swim suit in the United States.
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To add to the known fact that we are fed distorted body images, I found out today (while researching what most thighs look like vs. how model's thighs look) that I have a fashion model's measurements. I also have model weight. What I don't have is model height.
So I imagine myself stretched out to 5'9'' (that's an extra half-foot) with the same amount of muscle, fat and bone that I currently have. In fact, I'd probably have to give up some of my muscle, fat and vital organ weight in order to elongate my bones.
It's not a pretty picture.
But!
If I could somehow stretch myself out that like that, I bet I would have gorgeous thighs...and hideous everything else...and no menstrual cycle...which would be unfortunate because then there would be no excuse to sit out of swim class.